ALICE, SHIRLEY, SOMEBODY!

There may not be a lot of math involved, but patience is a more difficult problem to solve.  It’s National Waiters and Waitresses Day!  Today we take the time to acknowledge and appreciate waitstaff.

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Of course, I’ve been a customer, but I’ve also been a waitress, so let’s get started!  Being a waiter or waitress isn’t always an easy job.  Depending on the type of establishment, the waiter is the liaison between the customer, busboys, cooks, and management.  Sometimes they are also the hostess, cashier, and janitor.  Most waiters and waitresses, don’t make minimum wage as a set salary.  When I was a waitress I made $2.15 and hour.  When I got a raise, I made $2.25.   I don’t think it’s fair, but the government calculates customer tips as part of an hourly wage, so does the restaurant industry, therefore when customers don’t tip, a server can work an 8-hour shift and leave having made less than $30 that day.  It has happened to me.  On the other hand, a good night can more than make up for a bad night, but that’s probably not going to be on a Tuesday evening, so, waiters trade scramble and horde those prime hours. Even then, on a good night, in some places, tips are split between busboys, hostesses and bar staff.  I get it, but it can be annoying.

I liked waitressing.  It was fun and I enjoyed meeting new people and building relationships.   It sucked when people were mean, spiteful, impatient, or rude.  It also sucked having to clean the toilet when people make it look like an outhouse.  I didn’t always get tips but appreciated it when I did.  To this day, it was one of my favorite jobs even when it didn’t pay well, but I was a 14 with no bills to pay.

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As a customer.  I hate it when establishment takes the liberty to include gratuity in my check.  It is your business. If you want to pay your waitstaff more, raise the prices and give them a real salary.  Tips have long been debated and honestly, I would like the “tradition” of tipping to go away.  It’s an unfair obligation.  I enjoy tipping when someone has done a great job and gone beyond what is in their job description making my evening super enjoyable.  But to force gratuity is like an extra tax.  I appreciate good service and I like to show my gratitude, and that should be my choice.

Don’t be a waiter or waitress if you don’t like people!  The perfect waitstaff can make your evening feel like a night out with family or an old friend.  As some of my favorite T.V. waitresses have shown, sometimes you go back to a place because of how they make you feel, not necessarily the food.  So celebrate today by going out with people you like to places you like.  Enjoy a meal, tip well, and thank your entire waitstaff! Happy eating and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!  

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Not a Slumdog!

Celebrate today like a B-O-S-S! It’s Be a Millionaire Day and why not?!  I already man-2290591_640know all the unnecessary stuff and extravagant services I’m going to buy!

Today only comes once a year.  You can celebrate today one of two ways: realistically or unrealistically.  Either way, I’m not responsible for the repercussions of your decisions, but I am accepting donations for my savvy advice.

horse-473093_640Take today to be responsible.  Examine your finances and rearrange your portfolio.  If you think this has something to do with your photo albums, take a step back.  Open up a bank account and get out of the check cashing line.  Snowball down your debt and invest in a mutual fund.  Step up your employment game and take those Pheonix classes you’ve been flirting with.  Write down the vision for your life and a plan to make it a reality.  Ask yourself, how will I make my first million?  Hopefully, it won’t involve a lawsuit and a compromised body part.  But, if it does, that’s your choice.  Pace yourself.  Today is day one of your first million.

“If you’re already a millionaire, inbox me for additional tips.” 

unicorn-2001372_640.pngBall-Till-You-Fall! You may not be Rick James, but you’re Rich, B#^$%! Rent a Tesla for the day! Eat out wherever you want and let the chips fall where they may. You may be homeless tomorrow, but today ain’t tomorrow.  Money is flowing like honey and you are BALLIN’!  Get your hair done, feet done, everything done. Take out a front page ad and have it printed in 24 inches, “First Class Everythang!”  Today only comes once a year and you better act a fool with it!

Whatever you do, remember tomorrow is Waiters and Waitresses Day!  You can just get a job and make that money back two-fold!!!

 

The Greatest Show on Earth!

As the curtain is closing on the Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey Circus, we must celebrate Circus Day!  This holiday was established to celebrate the circus on their anniversary, May 19, 1884.  What an amazing run!

If you have coulrophobia or work for an animal rights organization, today may be exciting for you for completely different reasons.   To me, it’s the end of an era.  They aren’t the only act in town, but they are a hard one to follow.  You can watch their final curtain call live on Facebook at 7:00 pm est on Sunday.    Even though it’s a few day later, that’s probably the best way to celebrate today.

I would not suggest celebrating today by clowning around at work or practicing circus acts at home.  These actions may have unfavorable results.  However, it would be fun to invite a bunch of friends over and see how many of you can fit in a car (keep the emergency break on).  I have a Hyundai Sonata so, this could get interesting.  Squeeze in and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!  

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Drive by or Bum rush, Surprise!

Families aren’t like pumpkins.  You don’t get to shop around until you find the perfect one.  You basically get who you get, with the exception of your spouse and their bunch. That’s your choice.  As for the others, just thank God you have some and love them the best you can.  It’s Visit Your Relatives Day! A young girl tries to pull out a pumpkin

I actually feel like I celebrate this holiday every day.  My family is pretty close and I usually see at least two or three of them every week.  My sisters and I speak daily, sometimes multiple times in one day, even if it’s just so we can grunt together while one is having a BM or so the other can tell me about the newest candy on the market.  I also have a huge extended family and it’s always someone’s birthday, a holiday, game, ceremony, whatever, and we support our own, so Visit Your Relatives Day is my life!  For example, this weekend, there are four birthday parties for five people and I’ll be at 2 of them.  Last weekend, there was a graduation and a million mother’s to celebrate.  I spent 15 hours in a car to attend a graduation and celebrated with two mothers (yes, one was mine).  The weekend before that was a weekend birthday celebration, out of town, with six family members.  You see, today really is my life.  Not that I’m complaining.  I love them all, even the stupid,  annoying, high strung ones.

So, it’s obvious how you’re supposed to celebrate today.  If you are hesitant because your family is crazy, a little dangerous, too far, too close, in jail, in an asylum, foaming at the mouth, having a personal summer,  too nosey, may steal,  owes you money, may move in, or kidnap you, just remember it could be worse.   So, tighten your suspenders and take my advice, carry Vicodin, pepper spray, a map, set an alarm for a fake emergency phone call, take your ID, wear a bra without underwire, take baby wipes, a hand fan and an extra blanket, use your imagination, hide your jewelry,  leave an invoice, turn off your water from the main line and tell them you don’t have indoor plumbing, or meet up in a public crowded place that closes.  I’ve been through it all, have fun and….

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!  

To Be or not to be Ratty

If you know exactly where that sweater is you were going to wear to that party last April 20th, but you can’t get to it, today may be your day.  If walking into your garage is like hiking in a dense forest, today is probably your day.  If your closet if as organized as a bargain bin at a Swap Meet, today is definitely your day.  It’s Pack Rat Day!

crooner-154618_1280My Confession:  I don’t consider myself a pack rat, but I am.  I’m the organized kind.  My place may not look like I save e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g (because I don’t really like clutter), but I save just about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!   That being said, I feel you shouldn’t be ashamed to be a Pack Rat, you just don’t want to look like a Pack Rat.  And for clarification, I do believe there is a difference between being a Pack Rat and a Hoarder. In addition to being a clinical certifiable condition, hoarders save items with no real value, neither monetary nor sentimental.  I have sympathy for hoarders because it is a real condition and is usually the result of a traumatic event.

Now, if you’re a Pack Rat.  We have to talk.  My philosophy is, “Be a Pack Rat or be messy, don’t be both.”  I collect shot glasses and keep everything even slightly sentimental. Honestly. I have a 5-foot piece of cardboard in my spare bedroom that was made into a welcome home sign by my girlfriend and her children that they held up for mpackratbookbage at the airport when I returned home from England in 2008. I have a book of drawings from my niece who is just turned 24, from when she was 8 and some of them are honestly, just a green line on a sheet of paper.  I have every textbook from every college course I took and enjoyed, a few of my own baby clothes, and a piece of junk mail with a random phone number jotted down in my father’s handwriting. What can I say, I’m very sentimental.

On a Pack Rat Scale of 1 to 10; 1 equaling you purge monthly, 10 equaling you should just buy a new house or invest in a Public Storage franchise,  where do you fall?   Whatever your number, you can celebrate today by upping your game and indulging in some Pack Ratty behavior, rolling around in your glorious Pack Ratty treasures, or purging!  I’m going for a combo.  Indulge and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!!!

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Purple Peace, Baby

And another reason why purple is so great, it’s Wear Purple for Peace Day!  There is something about this color that ushers in a nice calm atmosphere.  In addition to being the color of royalty, it also has its own peace day!  There can’t be a cooler color.

Think PEACE today.  All kinds of peace!  Peace from and argument.  Peace from frustration.  Peace from long meetings, aching knees, and the afternoon itis.  Peace like still waters.  Peace that surpasses all understanding.   Peace from annoying relatives and demanding mothers.  Peace from psychotic exes.  Peace from being too early or too late. Peace to alien invaders.  Peace just because.  Peace of strawberry shortcake – ahh well, can’t win them all. Purple peace and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS! 

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Black Blue Red Sad

There are two reasons few of us sign up for careers where we knowingly place our lives at risk on a daily basis (The “Paper Clip Incident of 1992” doesn’t count);   1) Few of us have the courage or desire to risk our lives and the stability of our families every day  2) The ratio of careers that risk your life to those that don’t is pretty unbalanced, so odds don’t favor that decision.  However, even though we may have decided a life-risking career path isn’t for us, we take advantage of the liberties protected by those careers every day.  today it is Police Officer’s Memorial Day and we honor those certain men and women in Blue who have fallen while honorably serving.

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I recognize that we are living in a time when relationships between the public and police officers are strained.  I also recognize the issues aren’t across the board with all officers, districts, or states.  For instance, a few of my cousin’s are great officers.

It’s sad to know there are areas and entire towns in this country, where citizen feel hunted rather than protected.  We must do better by being active in the elections of our local government officials.  All lives matter and so do all rights and liberties.   As we recognize Police officers this week, let’s keep in mind that most of us want to make it home safely every night.  So, before you raise your gun, whether blue or black, think of other ways to deescalate the situation and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!

It’s the baking soda

It’s the substitution of baking soda for yeast, that give biscuts their crumbly, flaky, biscutty feel.  It’s the butter and honey that make them heavenly.   If you’re the kind of person who can’t be within a 5 mile radius of Churches Chicken without hoofing it to the counter for a honey butter biscut, today is your day!  It’s National Buttermilk Biscuit Day, so sop it up!

If you’re celebrating Mother’s Day, food is probably going to be involved at some point. Remember to add a biscuit and honey, jam, strawberry jelly, or whatever other topping tickles your fancy.

If you’re in a place where a biscuits are cookies, this isn’t that day.  Put some American on it and join the celebration.

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!

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I Blame Vicki!

The jury is in and it’s not your fault. It’s Blame Someone Else Day and no matter what the offense,  you’re in the clear. You may have been caught red handed, but it wasn’t your fault. I’m sure there was a dragon that forced your hand.  My personal motto is “Blame Vicki.” It’s usually her fault anyhow.  Take today, for example, why is my post so late?  All Vicki’s fault.

Now, you can’t be sensitive today.  Someone can blame you, too.  Take it all in stride and tell them, “that’s what you meant to do,” then give a very good fantabulous reason why. Practice your improv and deflection skills today.  It’s all in fun, so blame the person next to you and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!!!

P.S. – You can blame them for good stuff as well.

G-maws, Tee-tee’s, Manny’s…

Trusting your precious little bundle of extra skin to someone can be stressful.  I understand.  So, today we celebrate finding the right one!  It’s Child Care Provider Day and although it may feel like they’re raping you for your paycheck, a perfect fit can be hard to find.  So, pay out the whazoo with pride!

Personally, if we don’t have DNA in common, I don’t really want to entrust my little bundle to you and depending on the percentage of DNA, I still may look at you sideways! So, celebrate today by throwing in a gift card, spa treatment, or giving your child care provider the day off and watching your own kid.  You could also pick-up the little whippersnapper early or on time for once.  Find your own way to celebrate, but showing appreciation for the person who spends more daylight hours with your child than you, should be on your list of things to do today.

If you’re a mom or dad that likes to party, chances are you have an evening sitter on call as well.  If they are missing fun, so you can have some, they count.  So, toss a carrot their way and don’t forget the G-maws, Tee-tees, mannies, Sugars, au pairs, etcetera.  Have fun and…

HOLIDAY ON MY FRIENDS!

(Sometimes I forget I don’t have children, but I have nieces and nephews and it’s the same thing.)